I’ve decided to give up sex for a few months.
Well not all sex. And certainly not orgasms. Orgasms in fact, are a daily requirement of this model (at least in my version).
But the sex that involves a penis to be sex? Yep, that’s the kind of sex I need a break from.
And I’m not a raging penis hating “feminist”. (My definition and relationship to the word feminist would take an entire essay but not for now). I love dick. As I said to a close friend last week while shopping for modern day fem witch potions, “Just because I’ve given up sex for a minute, I definitely still identify as a slut”. In my ideal world I get dick inside me every day! And I believe that dream will come true for me. But back to the present…
I found myself in a karmic cycle, repeating the same behavior and thought patterns in multiple scenarios and relationships. I was looking for lessons and clues to get out of it. I realized a part of me assigned my value to the attention and the desires of a dick, or two or three. And this wasn’t a new thing, it was something that I realized had been playing out since I was a young teenager just coming to know her body and throughout a very long term relationship. But it took multiple short term, but meaningful, relationships for me to notice: while my ex may have brought in a bunch of his own sex, gender and body-related issues (that have left their own impact on my body and mind) to the table, I maybe, just maybe (ugh do I hate to admit it!), had brought along some of my own.
I have said I am blessed in this life and I do believe I am. In my life I have endured little trauma or grief, suffered very little loss or despair. I have been blessed. But not only that, I have privilege. Privilege from being white. Not rich white or old blood white, I’m just a half Jew half regular working people. But I have an education, managed to get a Masters degree without any student loan (thanks grandparents!). I have what is called “social capital” (see, I was paying attention in my undergrad) and it has helped me breeze through this life with a smile on my face most of the way. I’m pretty, thin and white. Old white guys think I look like film stars from decades ago (is that supposed to be a compliment?!)
Now we are in this current global political situation of resource war and climate refugees. Of genocide of peoples of color and indigenous peoples, mass incarceration, police violence and violence against women and LGBTQ folks. Of violence against our Mother Earth, the most sacred giver of life.
So where does this fit in. Where do I fit in. There haven’t been many places I don’t fit, and that’s a privilege. Most of the structures I’ve encountered so far, have worked to my advantage. And then I realized. My body had been structured. My mind had been conditioned. And I don’t even know where it came from! When had this happened?! When had I decided my own value, my importance and my worth in this world, depended on how much dick I was getting? Wait what?! How did this happen?!
So that’s when I decided I wanted to do an experiment on myself. What would happen if I chose to 86 the dick? As soon as I decided to do this I felt a rush of excitement and exhilaration. I knew it was the right thing to do for me at this time.
And that doesn’t even go into the actual dick during sex stuff! What if the dick wasn’t the center of attention during sex? What if the dick didn’t have an orgasm every time? What if dicks didn’t get shoved places we didn’t ask them to go? Don’t even get me started… So now the attention is on me. On my pussy. And I make sure she gets all the love and attention she deserves, from the person who matters most, me!
I know I am worthy and deserve my place in the world. I know it with humility, that all journeys are as valuable as my own. I don’t think this is a solution to any issues but my own. But in this world where so much love is needed, so much strength and courage, it has to start with me. The vagina is the gateway to the womb, and the womb is the creator of life. Now, when we must birth a new world order, each from within ourselves, I feel the need to connect with Her. Her being: my pussy, the goddess within me and everyone, the divine feminine, the mother, my own mother and sisters and all creators of life. She deserves pleasure and worship, and I’m the best person for the job.
I don’t know where this journey is taking me. I have come to know that all I can do is trust. And so I am choosing to trust that thrill I felt when I told myself that I (and my small but growing treasure chest of sex toys) would be the only things touching my pussy for the next few months. And trust that it will help me along this journey into the new world. Love for self is the only the love. When there is enough and more, it will overflow.
Ok so I did have a “cheat month” or should I say, “treat month”. And that’s fine. Because it’s my body and I get to do what I want. But for these past few months, I’ve felt so empowered and strong. Like, untouchable. Literally. With a sexy glow that I know I am all I will ever need. Everything else is a precious gift, and I am grateful.
I wrote this at the end of 2016. I had been in a relationship for almost 8 years from the age of 17 until 25. Before that had even officially ended I was thrown into a twin-flame relationship that changed my perspective on everything: on relationships, on sex, on communication, on self-love and masturbation. That relationship eventually gave me the space to practice this “dick cleanse” which was the culmination of my self-love journey. Although it was another 6 months, and some more inner work, before I met my current partner (who I am hoping will be my life-partner) I truly believe that this exercise helped me to view myself as whole, as complete, and fully self-reliant. It helped me to understand that romantic relationships are beautiful, magical and have incredible healing powers, but they are not necessary to prove our value and our worth as women. I came into my current relationship without expectations, with an intimate knowledge of the depths of my love, with my boundaries intact and with (relatively – still working on it!) clear communication around my needs, especially my sexual needs.
In embracing my full self, I believe I attracted a man who saw me in my fullness and honored the wild, complex and multi-faceted woman that I am. It feels, for the first time, that I am in a relationship of two whole people looking not to complete each other, but to empower each other. 
I think it’s interesting to note that 6 months before I did this experiment a friend and colleague did the same thing and I remember thinking, “Oh, I don’t need that.” But then I came to it through my own experiences and for my own reasons. I’m not suggesting that anyone else needs to do something like this but simply sharing my experience with it because I think it offers a fresh perspective on how we view ourselves as women. Have you ever done something like this? What was your experience?